frustrations, worries, guilt, etc.

I’m feeling pretty down tonight…and do feel this way alot these days.  Don’t get me wrong….I am LOVING my life.  However, I stay frustrated and have loads guilt.  I remember feeling this way with Trigger…constantly worried or feeling guilty about something.  I told this to someone the other day but I don’t remember who and I probably shouldn’t admit this…but with Trigger, once he started eating real food, I would get soooo stressed out if he didn’t have the correct amount (3/4 cup) of vegetables a day.  LIKE really stressed…like I guess I thought that he would wither up and die if he didn’t have his 3/4 cup of vegetables.  Now I am still pretty strict about what he eats but I have gotten ALOT better!!!!!  Now it just seems that my stress and frustrations come from not being able to get anything done.  I try and try but feels like my wheels are just spinning.  Campbell, as I have mentioned before, is not the laid back second child.  I’m still waiting for that quality in him to appear…so far, he’s pretty high maintenance…I really didn’t think one person could have TWO very high maintenance children.  Anyway, Campbell pretty much would like to be held and talked to ALL day everyday…preferable held while standing!

Okay…so in an effort to make my frustrations/stresses/guilt go away, I’m going to list a few here.  I’ve always been told that talking about your feelings helps and Matt is working so I will vent on here and maybe I will laugh about all of this trivial stuff that I think is earth shattering right now.  Oh and before I get ugly comments or emails from the three people reading this, I realize that if you have three or more children that you have it WAY more difficult than me..seriously, I do! and I realize that some of you are thinking, “please, you think you’ve got it hard now…just wait”.  Well, these are my feelings whether they make sense to anyone else or not.

1. I can’t get a single thing accomplished.  All those books about Terrible Twos were written ABOUT TRIGGER!  Seriously, I am not sure if there is a method that would work for him…and if I had the time or energy to read one of those books, I might would find a good way to handle him…but Time/energy is something I do NOT have.  Anyway, I clean up one mess of Trigger’s, he makes another one.  Here’s an example: I walk in the den to find that Trigger had gone to the back and gotten my makeup bag.  He had it open with containers of makeup spread ALL over the den rug.  I cleaned it all up and headed back to the kitchen where I had been preparing his lunch.  He had pulled down his plate and there was macaroni, green beans, and milk ALL over my kitchen floor and cabinets…that was within about 3 minutes of the day.  And while he is awake, that is what is going on EVERY three minutes.  I mean unless I had a padded room, I just don’t think it is going to get much better.  Anyway, ON top of my WILD two year old, I have a 3 month old that wants to be held all the time and if I do not hold him, he screams and screams and screams….and it pretty much doesn’t stop.  AND it drives Trigger (which makes him more wild) and me crazy!!!  Soooo…the laundry stays piled up, the dishes unclean, and bed unmade, AND toys all OVER MY HOUSE!!!

2. I can’t go anywhere.  I seriously can’t!  I do not own a double stroller and really don’t want to purchase one.  For safety reasons, Trigger can’t just walk beside me…the boy would be gone in a heartbeat so he has to be contained.  Walmart:  If I take both, which I have, this is what it looks like and I have NO room for groceries. 3. Breastfeeding….or actually ANY form of feeding my precious baby.  I am a huge fan of breastmilk.  Most of you know that I am like a diary cow and produce ALOT of milk.  With Trigger, I pumped for 8 months…most of that time getting about 60 ounces a day which was double what Trigger needed.  He got breastmilk until 15 months old.  Because of Triggers size (and needing to know how much he was getting) and going back to work when he was 5 weeks, I never got to actually breastfeed him.  With Campbell, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed and NOT pump.  Pumping is MISERABLE because it takes so long to pump and then feed a bottle too…at night with Trigger, Matt and I both had to get up EVERY three hours until he was THREE MONTHS OLD!!!!!! Matt would feed, I would pump.  MISERABLE.  So this go round, I wanted to avoid that.  I’m not sure if I have mentioned this but Campbell had a hard time with feedings while in the NICU.  The nurses just told us that he was not a good eater.  He had a feeding tube for the first 36 hours and then wouldn’t really breastfeed.  On top of that, he couldn’t decide what kind of nipples on bottles that he liked.  It was very frustrating because Trigger was  born at 34 weeks breathing and eating right away.  Campbell was born at 38 weeks and was on oxygen, had a feeding tube, and had a difficult time with feedings.  Anyway, Campbell is still having a hard time feeding.  He clicks his tongue…we’ve been to our pediatrician…she referred us to a speech pathologist…and still have no clue what is going on or what to do about it.  The clicking isn’t the only thing…he gets very frustrated and screams.  Soooo…every feeding is a battle. 

4. Trigger is still in speech.  He has improved alot but he’s still very hard to understand.  And, just in the last couple of weeks, we have gotten him in Occupational Therapy for some sensory issues.  He hasn’t started yet because all the paper work had to go through and so we should start this week.  We have already started brushing and joint compressions morning and night….and guess what, he doesn’t like them. I’m hoping Mother’s Day Out will help him with both the speech and sensory problems.

I think I will stop there…but let’s just say that have two children less than two years apart is a tad difficult…especially when the oldest one is a WILD boy!  Sorry for complaining…I really just want to remember these frustrations when I look back and not just have all the hunky dorey stuff documented.