Feeling blah

Let me start this post by saying that i know how ridiculous every tiny bit of this is going to sound but I'm venting...trying to not bottle all of this up. Plus, I think it's funny to go back later in life to laugh at what i thought was such a big deal at the time. This will be a bullet post and will be quite random. Sorry about that but thats pretty much how my brain works....just a bunch of random thoughts running rampant in my tiny brain!

-- I'm listening to Travis cottrell. I absolutely LOVE, LOVE his music. I had the pleasure of going to see Beth Moore before we had children. We had just had a miscarriage in december and found out we were pregnant again in march...a few days after taking the test, i went to see Beth Moore in Shreveport. I miscarried for the second time about a week later. Not sure why i just told that but I really just remembered being in the centurytel center and needed to go to the bathroom a lot. Anyway, I was on such an emotional roller coaster those few years of trying to get pregnant, miscarrying twice, lots of fertility procedures/tests/drugs, and two very long pregnancies. It was such an awesome experience to hear beth Moore during that time in my life. Travis cottrell was the worship leader. At the time i had never really heard of him. He was AWESOME! I listen to him all the time but for some reason his worship music is particularly my fav during times of blah.
-- 75% of the time i think i want another baby. The 25% of the time that i don't would be this week when i have both boys sick. This is pretty open of me but those of you that know me, know that i will pretty much tell you anything you ask....I'm not really a secretive person and i certainly want to always be open, honest, and real to my friends. Because of my blood clotting issues, i am unable to take birth control. I have been told by my drs that i need to take monthly pregnancy tests so that IF i were to get pregnant, we could start me on my blood thinners immediately so we wouldnt miscarry. Each and EVERY month I am disappointed when it says "not pregnant". Isn't that ridiculous? Am i going to feel this way always. I love our family of four. We have been told that we can't get pregnant on our own....but I KNOW that's not true. Our God is bigger than that! What in the world would i do with three children? I can't even control the ones i have right now. Laugh....but I'm not joking!
--trigger is so out of control lately. I dont know if it his ears or the fact that he's two or if there is truly something medically wrong with him but he is about to Do ME IN!! Seriously, the yelling and screaming and rage is too much! I'm really feeling like somewhat of a failure of a parent lately!
-- sickness....I'm so tired of it...trigger is on ear infection #7 since the end of October. Campbell is on #3 since December. T is headed to dr Neal. Our ped doesnt feel like c needs to go yet.
-- I'm 99.9% ready for spring. I'm loving this weather....but I'm Not convinced that it's here to stay.
-- Im so worried about my husband. Seriously doubt he's reading this because he doesn't have the time so i can say what i want. He works too much. He has the BEST work ethic that i have ever seen. Seriously, he does. He told me way before we got married that I should always give 110% in everything i do. I told him that was stupid (obviously i don't have agreat work ethic) bc you just cant possibly give 110% in everything. Well, he tries and its going to kill him! He's had drs tell him to slow down and stop working so much but he doesn't. People think that cpas work during "busy season" and then they have a free ride the rest of the year. Not the case! He works a lot of hours all year. In fact, in 2010, he had worked what most full-time employees work in a whole year, by beginning of september. The only down time he really gets is November. He has been working all day, coming home for supper and to put kids down and then goes back to work....works until 2 or 3 (345 last night) in the morning. He's beyond exhausted....and he still has two months until he's met this deadline. I just dont think he gets it...and don't think he will until he's had a heart attack or something worse. I seriously sit up thinking about his health and what we would do without him. I even said to Liz the other day, "I'm such a hard sleeper....what if something happens to him during the night while driving (bc hes so tired im scared hes gonna fall asleep while driving)...our doorbell is not hooked up (bc of boys sleeping) and what if the police knock and i dont hear them." liz's response was "honey, we will get to you!" I know I'm ridiculous but I worry.,,,I know i shouldn't and i know its not good for my bp....and i know, know, know that i need to trust God. I am trying
...and i truly do know that He will take care of me know matter what my future holds. But, im scared! I had a parent die...I dont want my children to EVER experience something like that!
-- please pray for my husband!
-- I know this is stupid but easter is AFTER tax season this year....that rarely happens...not that Matt will have any energy but I'm glad he'll be able to fully participate in all activities!
-- we think often about adopting a child in the future. Makes me sad to think of all the Babies without a home...I know how adoption can change lives and id love to be that for a child. We shall see....
-- I haven't been to church in so long...my children have literally been sick back to back since October except for about three weeks when they were well
-- trigger has not been going to sleep good. He has always been an awesome sleeper but in the last week, it takes him an hour or so to go to sleep
Okay...think that's all my ramblings for tonight. Im sorry to just thrown my heart out onto our blog....but congrats if you made it this far reading without falling asleep. I'm off to fold a mountain of socks...yuck!!!!!




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